A Modest Proposal

Capítulo 1

1729

It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great town,

or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and

cabbin-doors crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three,

four, or six children, all in rags, and importuning every passenger for

an alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest

livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in stroling to beg

sustenance for their helpless infants who, as they grow up, either turn

thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country, to fight

for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.

I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of

children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their

mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable

state of the kingdom, a very great additional grievance; and therefore

whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these

children sound and useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so

well of the publick, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of

the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for

the children of professed beggars: it is of a much greater extent, and

shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age, who are

born of parents in effect as little able to support them, as those who

demand our charity in the streets.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this

important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our

projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their

computation. It is true, a child just dropt from its dam, may be

supported by her milk, for a solar year, with little other nourishment:

at most not above the value of two shillings, which the mother may

certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of

begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide

for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a charge upon their

parents, or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of

their lives, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the feeding,

and partly to the clothing of many thousands.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will

prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women

murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us,

sacrificing the poor innocent babes, I doubt, more to avoid the expence

than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and

inhuman breast.

The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million

and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred

thousand couple, whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract

thirty thousand couple, who are able to maintain their own children,

(although I apprehend there cannot be so many under the present

distresses of the kingdom) but this being granted, there will remain a

hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand,

for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or

disease within the year. There only remain a hundred and twenty

thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore

is, How this number shall be reared and provided for? which, as I have

already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly

impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither

employ them in handicraft or agriculture; they neither build houses, (I

mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a

livelihood by stealing till they arrive at six years old; except where

they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments

much earlier; during which time they can however be properly looked

upon only as probationers; as I have been informed by a principal

gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me, that he never

knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of

the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.

I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl, before twelve

years old, is no saleable commodity, and even when they come to this

age, they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half a

crown at most, on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to

the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriments and rags having been

at least four times that value.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will

not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in

London, that a young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a

most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted,

baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a

fricasee, or a ragoust.

I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of the

hundred and twenty thousand children, already computed, twenty thousand

may be reserved for breed, whereof only one fourth part to be males;

which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle, or swine, and my

reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a

circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore, one male will

be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred

thousand may, at a year old, be offered in sale to the persons of

quality and fortune, through the kingdom, always advising the mother to

let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them

plump, and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an

entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or

hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little

pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially

in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium, that a child just born will weigh 12

pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, encreaseth to 28

pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for

landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem

to have the best title to the children.

Infant’s flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more

plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a

grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolifick

dyet, there are more children born in Roman Catholick countries about

nine months after Lent, than at any other season; therefore, reckoning

a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because

the number of Popish infants, is at least three to one in this kingdom,

and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening

the number of Papists among us.

I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar’s child (in

which list I reckon all cottagers, labourers, and four-fifths of the

farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I

believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass

of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of

excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend, or

his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a

good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants, the mother will have

eight shillings neat profit, and be fit for work till she produces

another child.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may

flay the carcass; the skin of which, artificially dressed, will make

admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.

As to our City of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose,

in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will

not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive,

and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.

A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I

highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter, to

offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said, that many gentlemen of this

kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the

want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and

maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age, nor under twelve; so

great a number of both sexes in every county being now ready to starve

for want of work and service: and these to be disposed of by their

parents if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due

deference to so excellent a friend, and so deserving a patriot, I

cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my

American acquaintance assured me from frequent experience, that their

flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys, by

continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable, and to fatten them

would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think,

with humble submission, be a loss to the publick, because they soon

would become breeders themselves: and besides, it is not improbable

that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice,

(although indeed very unjustly) as a little bordering upon cruelty,

which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection

against any project, how well soever intended.

But in order to justify my friend, he confessed, that this expedient

was put into his head by the famous Psalmanaazor, a native of the

island Formosa, who came from thence to London, above twenty years ago,

and in conversation told my friend, that in his country, when any young

person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to

persons of quality, as a prime dainty; and that, in his time, the body

of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison

the Emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty’s prime minister of

state, and other great mandarins of the court in joints from the

gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the

same use were made of several plump young girls in this town, who

without one single groat to their fortunes, cannot stir abroad without

a chair, and appear at a playhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries

which they never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that

vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed; and I

have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken, to

ease the nation of so grievous an incumbrance. But I am not in the

least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known, that they

are every day dying, and rotting, by cold and famine, and filth, and

vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the young

labourers, they are now in almost as hopeful a condition. They cannot

get work, and consequently pine away from want of nourishment, to a

degree, that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common

labour, they have not strength to perform it, and thus the country and

themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I

think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and

many, as well as of the highest importance.

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the

number of Papists, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal

breeders of the nation, as well as our most dangerous enemies, and who

stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the

Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many

good Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country, than

stay at home and pay tithes against their conscience to an episcopal

curate.

Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own,

which by law may be made liable to a distress, and help to pay their

landlord’s rent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and money

a thing unknown.

Thirdly, Whereas the maintainance of a hundred thousand children, from

two years old, and upwards, cannot be computed at less than ten

shillings a piece per annum, the nation’s stock will be thereby

encreased fifty thousand pounds per annum, besides the profit of a new

dish, introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the

kingdom, who have any refinement in taste. And the money will circulate

among our selves, the goods being entirely of our own growth and

manufacture.

Fourthly, The constant breeders, besides the gain of eight shillings

sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the

charge of maintaining them after the first year.

Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns, where

the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best

receipts for dressing it to perfection; and consequently have their

houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value

themselves upon their knowledge in good eating; and a skilful cook, who

understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as

expensive as they please.

Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise

nations have either encouraged by rewards, or enforced by laws and

penalties. It would encrease the care and tenderness of mothers towards

their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to the

poor babes, provided in some sort by the publick, to their annual

profit instead of expence. We should soon see an honest emulation among

the married women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the

market. Men would become as fond of their wives, during the time of

their pregnancy, as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in

calf, or sows when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick

them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition

of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barrel’d beef: the

propagation of swine’s flesh, and improvement in the art of making good

bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too

frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or

magnificence to a well grown, fat yearling child, which roasted whole

will make a considerable figure at a Lord Mayor’s feast, or any other

publick entertainment. But this, and many others, I omit, being

studious of brevity.

Supposing that one thousand families in this city, would be constant

customers for infants flesh, besides others who might have it at merry

meetings, particularly at weddings and christenings, I compute that

Dublin would take off annually about twenty thousand carcasses; and the

rest of the kingdom (where probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper)

the remaining eighty thousand.

I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against

this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people

will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and

was indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire

the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one

individual Kingdom of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or,

I think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let no man talk to me of

other expedients: Of taxing our absentees at five shillings a pound: Of

using neither clothes, nor houshold furniture, except what is of our

own growth and manufacture: Of utterly rejecting the materials and

instruments that promote foreign luxury: Of curing the expensiveness of

pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our women: Of introducing a vein

of parsimony, prudence and temperance: Of learning to love our country,

wherein we differ even from Laplanders, and the inhabitants of

Topinamboo: Of quitting our animosities and factions, nor acting any

longer like the Jews, who were murdering one another at the very moment

their city was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell our

country and consciences for nothing: Of teaching landlords to have at

least one degree of mercy towards their tenants. Lastly, of putting a

spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our shopkeepers, who, if a

resolution could now be taken to buy only our native goods, would

immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the price, the measure,

and the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair

proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like

expedients, till he hath at least some glympse of hope, that there will

ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

But, as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering

vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of

success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly

new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expence and little

trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in

disobliging England. For this kind of commodity will not bear

exportation, and flesh being of too tender a consistence, to admit a

long continuance in salt, although perhaps I could name a country,

which would be glad to eat up our whole nation without it.

After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion, as to reject

any offer, proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent,

cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be

advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire

the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points.

First, As things now stand, how they will be able to find food and

raiment for a hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly,

There being a round million of creatures in humane figure throughout

this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock, would

leave them in debt two million of pounds sterling, adding those who are

beggars by profession, to the bulk of farmers, cottagers and labourers,

with their wives and children, who are beggars in effect; I desire

those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold

to attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of these

mortals, whether they would not at this day think it a great happiness

to have been sold for food at a year old, in the manner I prescribe,

and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes, as they

have since gone through, by the oppression of landlords, the

impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the want of common

sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them from the

inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect of

intailing the like, or greater miseries, upon their breed for ever.

I profess in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least

personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work,

having no other motive than the publick good of my country, by

advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and

giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children, by which I can

propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and

my wife past child-bearing.

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1080 ***